The Secret Enterprise Diaries
by Biku
Summary: What's going on in the minds of the Enterprise crew? Probably not this!


The Secret Enterprise Diaries **THE SECRET ENTERPRISE DIARIES**  
  
_Done as an homage to "Bridget Jones' Diary" and of course The Secret Lord of the Rings Diaries._  
  
**ARCHER**  
Am feeling great. Mission is proceeding according to the plan sent by Starfleet Command. SFC always right. Self is always right. Damn, having good day. Chef served scrambled eggs. T'Pol much poutier than usual at breakfast, but was not too concerned. Trip also seemed to be having good day, as was rambling on re: warp cores, or something. Didn't pay too much attention. Smiled when he paused. Was difficult, but managed. Must remember to be Attentive and Smiling Captain, rather than Angry Brooding Captain. According to self's own theory, Attentive And Smiling Captain leads to Happy And Obedient Crew. Must tell T'Pol about theory. Not sure what pouting leads to, but am sure that it is not Happy Crew.

  
**T'POL**  
By all that is scientific and logical, I loathe this place. Trip particularly irritating today, as he insisted on telling self in great detail about the warp core, despite the fact that self has the schematics memorized and could _build_ the damn warp core from scratch if self felt like it. Also, he's smelling more than usual today. Wonder if can get Doctor Phlox to seal nose from inside. In other news, Ensign Sato looks like she wants to talk to self about something. Hope it's not a personal problem. It very likely is, which makes self the logical choice to talk to, since we are the only two females with speaking roles. But still. Perhaps can deflect her with my Aura of Logical Obliviousness.

  
**TRIP**  
Am having great day. Three random parts of the warp core that are somehow necessary for the ship malfunctioned. Spent first part of day reacting to crisis and ordering random ensigns around. Made up two new colourful metaphors that no one understood. Also had hysterical episode re: engine malfunction. Was great. Am having dinner with the Captain tonight. Am not sure how to do my hair. Perhaps parted on other side? Is total waste of time, since Archer never notices, but still must make effort. No! No! Must move on. Making effort was Old Trip. New Trip has inner poise. Will not let Captain provoke hysterical episode and ruin perfectly good day. Hysterical episodes only fit for Engineering and random ensigns. Inner poise. Inner poise...

  
**HOSHI**  
Am starting to get impression that Reed fancies self. Am not sure, as he v. hard to figure out (re: English stoicism) but am sure that he's been glancing at self from across the bridge. Also, incident in Mess Hall where he asked to sit with self, despite other tables in loner sections still free. Am wondering how best to deal with situation. Have considered asking T'Pol for advice, since only other female with speaking role, but am not sure. T'Pol even harder to figure out (perhaps learned from English?) but may be able to offer some advice. Perhaps will just play situation coolly until self gets definite confirmation. Perhaps some subtle flirting while translating alien language. Do not want to show that self knows about possible crush on self.

  
**REED**  
Am feeling depressed. Have not been able to blow up anything lately.

  
**MAYWEATHER**  
Am feeling left out. Have tried to regale crewmembers with anecdotes re: old space-faring days, but no one listens to self. Am beginning to get the feeling that self is only seen as Youthful Pilot, and not Space Veteran. Am not enjoying being treated as mascot. Obviously, that is Porthos' position so self would be at best back-up mascot. Tried to tell rude joke at lunch today but only Hoshi laughed. Hoshi v. nice. But not in Romantic Love Interest way. Besides, Reed would hurt me. Decided self needed to talk to someone, in manner of professional opinion re: feelings of inferiority, so went to Sickbay. Talked to Doctor Phlox. D.P. not v. helpful. Told self that self had nothing to worry about, and then patted self on head and gave lollipop. Lollipop v. good, but not what self had in mind. Still. Was lime. (Lollipop, not what self had in mind.)

  
**PHLOX**  
Am having usual day. Various alien creatures had to be fed, so self fed them, then helped self to bat food. Am aware that bat food v. fattening, but is just so yummy, cannot help self. Several ensigns came in wanting consoling after being yelled at by Trip. Told ensigns that Trip at best v. stressed re: warp core malfunctions and at worst loud-mouthed maniac. Ensigns did not feel any better about working for maniac, so prescribed Valium. Ensigns v. much better after that. Then saw Ensign Mayweather, who pouted about not being taken seriously. Gave him lollipop and he perked right up. Must consider long-term effects of lollipop hand-outs. May be possible scientific paper. Also, must restock band-aids. Am getting seriously low in the "Robbie Rocket Pants" ones. Is Archer's favourite kind so must keep them on hand. (Ha ha, medical humour.)

  
**PORTHOS**  
Am tired of having to beg cheese day in, day out. Am sick to death of Archer bouncing stupid ball against stupid bulkhead. Am wanting fresh air and different smells. Am tired of same smells, in manner of bulkheads and Trip's feet. Am having craving for a good rub in carcass of deceased/fragrant animal. Perhaps should take up hobby. Perhaps biting stupid ball.

  
END 


End file.
